Things I’m Afraid to Tell You
This is a post and episode I’ve been wanting to do for years. Jess Lively released her own a while ago and I never felt ready to do it until now. Call it Covid. Call it whatever you want. This year, while unexpected and sometimes scary, has made me bolder. It's tested my resilience and gave me a few good, heavy cries along the way. I've faced myself a lot this year. I mean who hasn't right? This has been a year of global awakening. With each of us having to face huge question marks about how we view life, ourselves, and others. Like an earthquake where the Earth's plates are moving and shaking everything in its radius the collective consciousness has shifted and we're feeling the effects.
Today, I want to share things I'm afraid to tell you. This isn’t to get sympathy but for me to air out my own fears and insecurities with the hopes I can conquer them and continue to move on. I’ve heard Dr. Benjamin Hardy say many times in his book* and our conversation on the podcast that you’re only as sick as your secrets. Lately, I’ve been on a big self-acceptance journey and feel this is the natural next step for me. I'm working to change the stories that have blocked me. This is my way of showing myself that by putting these fears and shameful feelings out there I no longer need to feel afraid. I can still be loved and worthy even when I feel these things.
1. Perfectionism runs deeper in me than I care to admit.
It shows up when I'm paralyzed with fear after deciding to start a new creative project. My mind wants to over plan and get certifications or courses to feel safe. Because what I create needs to be right, now not later. Because I can't possibly trust my inner wisdom to know more than experts out there. Perfectionism shows up when I try to force things. Whether that's forcing my day to go as planned or forcing a manifestation. It's that underlying sense of needing to control. I even recognize when it popped up as child.
When I was in grade school I put together a Spice Girls concert with my friends and we performed at a local wild western shopping center in the gazebo. Omgsh can I be anymore more Arizona Southwestern right now? I was SO SO serious about the dance moves and making sure we were right on beat. It’s insane how serious I took it. I’ve always gone all the way or no way apparently. I've made some big improvements since then but still catch perfectionism showing up in sneakier and sneakier ways.
2. I’ve fantasized leaving everything behind and running away.
I’ve felt too stretched thin and thought about leaving everything behind, which makes me feel like a fraud because The Good Space is all about creating that space in your life so you can thrive. I'm learning right along with you. But rather than run from emotions I've decided to allow these feelings to serve as a helpful signal that change is needed. Some of the changes I'm making is to limit the amount of copywriting clients I take on at a time and to focus on one project at a time in The Good Space. I've also been purposefully scheduling in more breaks and time off. One of my greatest desires is to balance my way to fulfilling my dreams instead of burning out. I'm stumbling so hard right now but the baby steps of change give me hope.
3. I see so many amazing things in others but am slow to see them in myself.
I often feel unworthy or not capable and that fear sometimes paralyzes me to the point it feels like I’m resisting everything I do. I also tend to put people on a pedestal and downgrade my own abilities. Like they have more figured out and going for them than I do.
4. Anxiety is a big obstacle of mine.
Anxiety is a big obstacle of mine, or rather my biggest learning experience. It's gotten better over the years but is still crippling sometimes. It looks like chewing the inside of my cheeks or waking up in the middle of the night panicked. That’s usually when I know I’m either doing way too much at once, am overstressed, or need to spend more time aligning with God. When I’m totally aligned with Him I worry less. As a kid, I would completely shut down at school when something was overwhelming. I would cave inside myself and turn blank. I’ve learned how to process emotions better but it still pops up every now and then.
5. I worry about going too woo woo on The Good Space and ruining your trust in me.
My worst fear is sharing something that turns out to be unfounded, harmful or trendy on The Good Space. I believe spirituality is simple and that some of the weird, ultra trendy ideologies or practices only serve to distract us from really seeing ourselves. But I also want to stay open. So I feel conflicted at times but am learning to trust my inner wisdom through it all.
6. I’ve stopped myself from starting new projects for fear that I’m not enough.
I’ve stopped myself from starting new projects for fear that I’ll be labeled as not credentialed enough or not enough in general. I’ve had to work through the block that I have to qualify my worthiness to do something. Major Imposter Syndrome and seeing power as external.
7. Sometimes I fear that what I have to say doesn’t matter.
That I’m creating things that help no one and it’s just a big black hole I’m sending content into. I wonder if I’m really adding value.
8. I fear not being brave enough to fulfill my greatest purpose.
My biggest fear is losing those closest to me. That I’m creating things that help no one and it’s just a big black hole I’m sending content into. I wonder if I’m really adding value.
9. I’m a true empath and cry to release built up stress or emotion.
I’ve cried during a credit card commercial that showed a little girl with her dad then growing up to get married. I cried at the beginning of Transylvania 3 (a super silly cartoon). But the thing I’m most embarrassed about is when I cried at work once as a teller at a bank in Los Angeles during my early twenties.
My supervisor brought me to her desk to tell me she was disappointed in me not hitting my sales numbers. So I cried. Literally couldn't hold back the tears. Her response? "I'm not here to be your babysitter and you need to pull it together." So embarrassing. Since learning how to process energy and emotions better it hasn't happened to that level but I still am self conscious when I cry.
10. I was never the type of woman who dreamed of her wedding or having kids.
There was a point I questioned whether I wanted them. But lately I have been a bit jealous of friends who seem so natural and effortless as parents. Warm and loving. The idea of being responsible for the growth of a young spirit on their physical journey is something that sounds wonderful now.
11. I’m scared of vulnerability.
As I’m reading these I realize how scared I am of vulnerability. Something I’m also working on.
12. Sometimes I feel insecure about the work I'm creating.
Sometimes I check Mailchimp first thing in the morning to see how many people have opened that week’s email. For a while I attached my worth as a writer to how many subscribes or views I got. Thinking that I must suck if there’s a ton of unsubscribes. Now I know unsubscribes are a good thing because it means it leaves room open for those who are meant to be in The Good Space community. But even then I have to catch myself.
13. I was terrified to take the big step in hiring two people and working with a coach.
This year, I took the terrifying jump of hiring two people very part time and working with a coach. It felt liberating to finally take a risk and stop hovering around the same gray area I have for years. I knew that I needed support to get to the next level. My ego fought tooth and nail yet my soul made it very clear those decisions were SUPER aligned. That's really the only reason I did it. But guess what? I’m still terrified even though it's right. I worry I won’t be able to make enough to pay them. That I’ll go into debt or fail. So far that hasn’t happened thankfully but it’s a very real fear of mine.
14. I’ve felt inspired for the last two years to write a book to support people who converted into my church.
I converted myself 12 years ago and know what that transition feels like. I've seen others who made the same choice struggle to feel like they belong or how to navigate this new lifestyle and identity. The Spirit has confirmed to me numerous times in BRIGHT neon letters with loud sirens to write this book. I’ve compiled research and surveys and started a good chunk of the book. But these days I’ve been avoiding it. Resistance has influenced me more than I care to admit. My hope is by sharing this I’ll feel the push to start again.
What’s one thing you would be afraid to tell someone? Share in the comments below!
Affirmation
I choose to embrace the real me and deserve everything I desire exactly as I am.
Do This Today
Pick one well-being activity every day this week to nurture yourself. Get into the habit of giving to yourself and receiving throughout the day.
Writing Prompt
Ask yourself what you’d be afraid to tell another person. Think about the emotions it trigger and if there’s an opportunity for healing. Write down whatever emotions come to mind.
Resources
Book: Personality Isn’t Permanent* by Dr. Benjamin Hardy
Article: Why You Need to Stop Thinking Your Personality Has a Type
Article: How to Set Yourself Free Through Forgiveness
*This is an affiliate link. Purchasing through affiliate links helps fund The Good Space at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting us!
