Understanding and honoring the creative self with Taryn Scali
Today, I brought back my best friend, Taryn, to talk about the creative self and how important it is to have an outlet in your life. Creativity has always been a big part of our relationship. We met in Los Angeles years ago while pursuing singing and songwriting. To this day we both prioritize our creativity even when it’s been hard to. I felt especially impressed to talk about the importance of stories and claiming our experience by living in them (as inspired by Stephanie Sellers) and I'm more committed now than ever to living a creative life.
Creativity is the portal and gateway to our truest selves. It grounds and connects us to what’s honest and real within us. To ignore it is death. When the soul dies nothing else is truly living.
Creativity is the thread that’s kept me together my whole life. It heals most ailments. It’s not that people deny creativity is important. So why don’t more people do it?
Many reasons: delayed gratification. Valuing money above all else. The unknown. Art is vulnerable. It’s the closest we get to someone’s soul. It’s fragile, powerful, profound, and the connection we all crave.
To be truly well we need creative practice. A way to connect to our inner creative. That’s what I’m discussing with my best friend Taryn on the podcast.
Why creativity is important
When people aren’t nurturing and expressing their creativity they get emotions stuck inside their body. Left unattended to it manifests in two main ways:
1. They feel inspired by others and their creativity and want to support them.
2. They feel resentful and jealous and try to knock the person down.
There have been many instances in my life where people supported me or worked with me because they sensed my electrifying passion. A family friend paying for my vocal lessons at sixteen, a woman I followed up with for 6 months giving me my first job in the music industry, my boss when he heard my music, a national commercial for acne, my husband, my Taylor Swift experience.
These people wanted to see me win. They wanted to support the vision. They felt inspired by my action. I do the same thing. Seeing others lean into their calling fired me up. I want to do everything and anything I can to see them thrive.
When people resist creativity
Then there were instances where people felt like they needed to control, contain, and judge my creative desires. These were the ones I gave the most power to for most of my younger years.
At the time, I thought something was wrong with me. For not being more palatable. Containable. For not wanting to fit into some timeline the world sold us: get good grades, go to college, get married, buy the house, adopt the dog, have a kid, and so on. Already I felt out of place and like a late bloomer. Something must be wrong with me.
What I’ve since discovered is 1) there is no timeline. Screw that. 2) those people tried to cut me down for size because of their own fears and insecurities. It’s funny how much weight we put on words from people who never put on their creative boxing gloves.
Writer Kristen Walters said:
“Whether it’s a parent, teacher, “friend,” boss, or even a guidance counselor — other people’s opinions and criticisms can have a big impact on your confidence, especially if they come from a person in a position of authority.
But that doesn’t mean you should accept their opinion at face value.
Plenty of people have called me delusional, naive, and even foolish for going after things that THEY PERCEIVE to have a low success rate.”
I wish I knew how to integrate these moments in a different way. Saw these situations for what they were. But I can’t change the past and that version of me did the best she could.
Here are the lessons I learned
1. People can only behave from a place of what they see as possible for them.
If they don’t believe creativity is valuable or that you can become successful being who you are then they won’t see that as possible for anyone else.
If only I knew that as a kid. Rather than feel unsafe, insecure, and shameful about my talent and desire to perform. If I had a safe support system maybe I would’ve developed that talent differently. Instead, I was desperate to get approval and encouragement. Seeking it from everyone because I was scared. Either way, I’m glad I kept my affinity for the creative even when people tried to persuade me otherwise.
2. People don’t actually know what’s going to work.
They can be convincing in their criticism but again it stems from their limited view of the world and what’s possible.
Copying someone else’s success doesn’t work. Just because someone has had success doesn’t mean they’ll know what works for you. I was a kid in a small city who was told I’d be a waitress the rest of my life.
Thank goodness I refused to accept it. I ended up working with major players in music and only stopped because I chose to walk away.
3. The greatest insecurities come out of people when it comes to creativity.
The people who were jealous or threatened by me felt insecure. Creativity is a vulnerable energy. It’s a space that’s supposed to feel safe, expansive, and joyful. Then society commoditizes and judges it. Dampened its value and convinced us it was not worth much. Parents try to redirect or squash it out of fear of their child not “succeeding”. There’s a lot systemically and culturally stacked against a healthy relationship with creativity.
4. We get to decide what things mean to us.
It was my choice to integrate those experiences the way I did. To interpret them to mean something was wrong with me. Of course, I have utter compassion for that version of myself because she didn’t have the tools or knowledge to do better than she did. She didn’t love or honor herself enough to question the treatment. Maybe you didn’t either. So no blaming allowed ok?
Although I can’t go back in time to change how things were I can change what they mean to me now. To a story that’s more empowering. I don’t believe I would’ve handled success well at all back then. It’s almost as if those discouraging moments were barometers of what I could handle. I’m grateful God didn’t give me all the success I wanted because I wouldn’t have handled it well at all.
Also, those experiences taught me how to love and stand up for myself. How human we all are and that someone else’s opinion isn’t more important than mine. That what someone thinks of me is truly none of my business. By caring, I give away my power. That’s the biggest lie Satan wants us to believe. That we don’t have control over our own lives.
Imagine the one person who voted no against the Iraqi war during that fateful year in 2001. Imagine the one person who says no when 999 others say yes. Social influence is real. It’s easy to question ourselves when another voice is louder or more abundant than ours. But I learned that just because a lot of people jump on a bandwagon doesn’t mean it’s right. Or just because someone’s voice is loudest doesn’t mean they’re right.
Through those experiences of people doubting me and wanting to make me smaller I’ve become even more passionate about expressing my creativity. And making sure others can do the same.
5. Be your energy’s gatekeeper.
Someone once told me to filter every opinion that comes my way using four questions:
1) Who is this person to me? Do they actually care about me?
2) Are they knowledgeable enough to give an opinion to me about this?
3) What’s their motive? What do they have to gain or not gain by telling me this?
4) Does this feel true or right for me at this time?
Then based on how the answers I decide if I take someone’s advice/opinion or immediately throw it away. There will never be a shortage of information, opinions, and distractions out there. It’s up to me to become more choosy and protective of where my energy goes. What thoughts and information I’ll entertain? These are called boundaries. You don’t owe anyone your time, attention, or energy. You can choose to give those things to them.
This is critical for any creative. It’s why Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx, said she never told anyone about her idea for a year. She knew if she opened her idea up to doubts that she wouldn’t have started the business. We need to know ourselves and the boundaries to set in order to be our fullest creative selves.
Extra Resources
Listen to my episode with Stephanie Sellers
Affirmation
I embrace my creative self and give it the priority it deserves
Writing Prompt
What creative project is calling to me? Is there a narrative or belief stopping me from leaning fully into creating it?
