One Way to Process and Tolerate Emotional Pain and Painful Feelings
This week I want to get a little more personal than usual. I’m using a recent triggering experience of mine to walk you step-by-step through one way you can process painful emotions. Since I can remember I’ve always shut down when experiencing painful feelings. This time I finally figured out how to redirect from an emotional spiral to a nurturing one instead. Hoping that it will help you process and tolerate painful emotions in your own life, I’m sharing five of the keys ways I was able to do this.
Today I want to share a breakthrough I had with processing intense emotional pain when normally I shut down. I hope that if you struggle with tolerating or processing emotional pain or painful feelings that it can give you something to try for yourself and maybe help you, too.
Since I was in third grade I’ve had this habit of shutting down anytime my emotions get too overwhelming. In school it looked like getting really quiet, putting my head down, and not doing that day’s class activity. To this day as a 30-year old something it looks more like not wanting to talk or needing a good cry. I wasn’t taught how to manage my emotions and it frustrated me for years. I didn’t know if I’d ever figure it out.
What I'm about to share is the first time I caught myself at the beginning of that emotional spiral and cycle. I lovingly nurtured myself through it and allowed the moment to process and then leave my body. The goal wasn't to stop or resist the emotions. The point this time was to feel everything but guide it through in a healthy, loving, supportive way.
Knowing how to love yourself and take care of yourself through emotional pain is one of the best things you could ever learn. I'm not saying what I did will help everyone and all situations. I'm not a therapist. But it might be a useful tool for you to feel empowered no matter what kind of emotional experience you go through.
It's about not fearing emotion but validating it. Recognizing it. Then guiding yourself as best you can to a better foundation of feeling. Here's what I learned and how I did it.
How I Processed my Emotional Pain
Get Into a New Environment.
I noticed how hard it was to open up and expand so I got myself away. Walking in the fresh air and to the park. New environments allow how you're used to wiring and firing to change. You're better able to be open up to new experiences and ways of feeling. Plus, walking allows that pain and anxiety to have something to do. Somewhere to go.
I’m not saying to escape to a new city or your relationship. What I’m saying is to shake up your current environment in some way. If you’re in a situation though that requires a more drastic measure of course do that to be safe. Get the help you need. What I’m talking about involves emotional pain from past trauma that came to the surface so it’s a different scenario.
I definitely resisted moving and wanted to wallow in what I was feeling but as I kept stewing I know I’d only get more and more of the same. So if I wanted any chance of getting work done and getting out of the emotional sinkhole I needed a fresh perspective.
Let the Emotions Take Their Course.
It's tempting and even automatic to go into solution mode or escape mode. Playing drastic outcomes in my head of how I could solve the problem instantly. But what if it's OK to feel this way? What if these emotions only need time and space?
As I walked my way to the park I did a walking meditation. Noticing the cool air on my skin, looking at the sky, trees, listening to the cars, people, and dogs going by. Focusing on and feeling the middle of my foot hitting the sidewalk. Noticing the rhythm of left foot, right foot, left, right.
When the flood of sadness, anger, or fear came up I let it exist with each step. No fighting or resisting. No need to solve it. Just taking one literal step at a time.
Maybe you're like me where you want to move on from an unpleasant emotional experience as fast as possible. So you try to rush through everything and pretend you're OK sooner than you actually are. This time I didn't place that pressure. There's no universal timeline to getting over something.
All I knew is I wanted to guide it through my system without blocking it so it WOULD go through faster. I also didn't want to hold onto the emotions for too long to where I can morph into a new story I tell myself about the world. Or have it turn into a negative belief that would have long-lasting damaging effects. When we morph emotional experiences into stories or negative beliefs it’s often because we never accepted or faced the experience, to begin with. So I wanted to change that cycle.
Write Three Pages Stream of Consciousness Style to Challenge the Negative Thoughts.
When I got to a dark green bench in Central Park I still felt anxious energy and needed to go somewhere still. Channel it so to speak. So I got out my daily pages journal and looked at the goals and wins I wrote down on the cover. A practice I learned from Dr. Benjamin Hardy.
Then I asked myself what negative thoughts were working against me feeling good and being the person who accomplishes those goals. I wrote three to four negative thoughts down then one by one challenged each of them based on the eternal truths I know. Here are some of the negative thoughts I wrote down word for word from my journal:
“I feel very discouraged and hopeless. I don't know what to do or if there even is anything to do. I feel like garbage inside. Like I'm a failure and don't belong in a relationship because I'm so imperfect and unable to be emotionally mature.”
I knew those weren’t thoughts I wanted to entertain because where your attention goes, your energy goes, and then grows. So what am I instead if I want to use my energy to grow more good in my life? Here's what I responded with to those negative thoughts:
“I am a divine being learning how to grow and expand beyond my egoic limitations. I have a loving God whose spirit surrounds me and everyone I meet. He wants me to be happy and succeed in all of my endeavors. Even with my imperfections. I am lovable and worthy. Making mistakes doesn't mean I deserve a stamp of failure or to be alone forever. It means I have a fresh opportunity to do and be different. To grow out of any boundaries or beliefs that don't serve me… I want to grow beyond those negative beliefs. I am a success and have a lot of hope because I try and want to be the best I can. I feel bad inside because I'm processing a triggering experience. It's better to let it process than to let it fester inside causing new, negative storylines and beliefs to form.”
Work on Something That'll Boost Your Confidence or Make You Feel Productive.
After that journal session, I started editing my productivity e-book. You know the one I've been pushing off since April out of fear it'll suck. My confidence took a dive each day I pushed it off. So the fact I dove in and got two chapters finalized even after having a crappy morning made me feel more confident and good about myself.
Rather than Focus on What Isn't Working, Spend a Minute or so Thinking Only of Things That Are Working.
I learned this trick from Dr. Wayne Dyer in an interview he did. He said after having a three-hour conversation with Esther Hicks/Abraham the best takeaway was the reminder to always focus on what you want to attract. He mentioned his anger about GMO foods and how passionate he was to protect our food source. Abraham said by focusing on what's wrong he’ll only expand more of what’s wrong.
Even if there's only 1% that's good, focus on that 1% to get into a better feeling state. Which then allows that good feeling to expand. Then you'll likely receive better solutions and answers from feeling good than feeling angry. So when I packed up my laptop and was walking home through the park I challenged myself to think of what's good.
Thoughts like, “Oh it’s 72° outside (22 degrees Celsius), birds and animals are everywhere, and there's so much green and beauty. I’m walking on my two feet and healthy enough to do so.” Then I went through recent wins in my copywriting business and the fact I just interrupted the pattern I've had since I was in third grade. I felt so proud and grateful.
By the time I got back on 5th Avenue, my body felt at peace and so happy. I also thought about my responsibility to own my emotions and allowing others to do the same. To not base my emotional state on anyone else's. That I could own this newfound joy and not allow anything else to take that away.
Next time you're in a highly emotional experience try the steps and let me know if any of them help. Did any of these resonate with you or do you have anything you would add? Leave a comment to let us know.
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Affirmation
I allow my body to communicate to me through emotions and nurture myself in every situation I experience.
Writing Prompt
How do I process my emotions? Is it healthy for me? Do I feel inspired to do it differently?
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