How to Set Yourself Free Through Forgiveness
Did you know the pain others cause in you isn’t personal? Keep reading to find out why forgiveness may be the missing link to your happiness, why pain isn’t personal, and learn a few coping techniques to use in tough situations.
In today’s post, we’re talking about the importance of forgiveness in increasing happiness. Forgiveness of self. Of others. This is a loaded subject and one I want to tread with gentle, compassionate steps. For how could one speak about happiness without mentioning forgiveness?
In a previous post, we learned the difference between the mindset of a naysayer and a yaysayer. If you haven’t read about this yet make sure you do. To recap, a naysayer misses out on a lot that life has to offer. They’re fearful of change and like routine. A yaysayer embraces change, allows outcomes to unfold without an agenda, and doesn’t prejudge people or situations. You can read more about their qualities here.
With practice, you can learn to better hear the whisperings of your inner wisdom. The sooner you look out for those naysayer tendencies the closer you get to living an untethered life. When it comes to knowing what your inner wisdom is saying vs. the ego’s conditionings it can feel paralyzing. A journey I’m in the thick of at the moment.
Don’t let that discourage you. Know that resistance is part of the process. Keep going and a breakthrough will happen.
When you forgive you free up a lot of space for inner growth. The Good Space stands for creating space in your life. Space for expansion. For love. For grace. Learning to winnow away the unnecessary and embrace your truest self. Which is what I wish most for you after you read this. That you feel hope, expansion, and readiness to free up some space. You ready?
Learn to Forgive and Do It Now
We can waste a lot of sacred inner space holding onto unnecessary judgments and grudges. Is there someone you haven’t forgiven yet? Is there someone you blame for your current circumstance?
Fred Luskin, in his book Forgive For Good*, states that forming a grievance that interferes with your life follows a three-step process:
Step 1: Taking an offense too personally
Step 2: Blaming the offender for how you feel
Step 3: Creating a grievance story
We frame the way we see the world through the stories we create about people and events. Which then informs how we act. Stories can reinforce beliefs that hinder our ability to act with respons-ability. Here are a few examples of how this framework can be applied to real life:
Step 1: That cashier at the grocery store had way too much attitude. I feel upset and angry. They ruined my day.
Step 2: It's the cashier's fault I'm feeling upset and angry.
Step 3: “See. It’s true that no one likes me or respects me.”
Step 1: My partner is playing video games and not paying attention to me. I’m irritated and feel inadequate.
Step 2: It’s my partner’s fault I’m feeling irritated and inadequate.
Step 3: “This is proof I’m not enough and will always have to prove my worth.”
The stories we hold about life often determine what we accomplish and who we become. Imagine the buried stories you hold about yourself and others without realizing it. Take some time this week to question what you take too personally so you can unearth them. Once you’ve unearthed unhealthy stories you’re in a position to change them. To debunk them and choose more empowering ones.
When you discover your own unhelpful stories I challenge you to sit with it. Don’t run. Let it float in the air. Ask, "What does my inner wisdom think about this situation?" Then sit in reverence and prepare to be amazed by the answers you receive. Earlier this week I tried this practice and the answer I got was “You are enough. Let this go. You are worthy just by existing.” Followed by a grounding, expansive warm feeling.
Why Pain Isn’t Personal
This may be hard to accept but the pain that someone else triggers in you isn’t personal. The simple truth? They lack the ability to be what you need them to be. People who hurt you often are feeling their own pain and lack the capability to offer love, warmth, and compassion. Luskin says, “Remember that feeling hurt does not automatically mean someone meant to hurt you.”
This isn’t saying you need to excuse or accept poor behavior. Only that understanding it’s not personal helps you hold onto your personal power. When you fully accept that your reactions and actions are 100% your responsibility you’ll expect the same from everyone else. Their pain isn't a reflection of you.
To stretch this a little further, when it comes to other’s opinions or even your reputation remember these words from Dr. Wayne Dyer, “The only thing I can control is my character, which comes from my thoughts and the love I have inside, not my reputation and what other people think of me.”
Release those grudges. Forgive. What others think or feel is none of your business. Traveling on your journey with happiness and following your joy is your business. Your mission. As Fred Luskin says, “Life may not be perfect, but you can learn to suffer less. You can learn to forgive, and you can learn to heal.”
Practicing Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique
Now, let’s talk about a few proactive approaches. It’s crucial to learn how to maintain peace no matter how upsetting a situation. This practice helps you prevent anger and hurt from overwhelming you. It also helps you know if a visit with a relative you don’t like or any other situation is healthy for you or not. This is an excerpt from the same book Forgive for Good*:
“When you are feeling the effects of an unresolved grievance or ongoing relationship problem:
Bring your attention fully to your stomach as you slowly draw in and out two deep breaths. As you inhale, allow the air to gently push your belly out. As you exhale, consciously relax your belly so that it feels soft.
On the third full and deep inhalation, bring to your mind’s eye an image of someone you love or of a beautiful scene in nature that fills you with awe and wonder. Often people have a stronger response when they imagine their positive feelings are centered in the area around their heart.
While practicing, continue with soft belly breathing.
Ask the relaxed and peaceful part of you what you can do to resolve your difficulty.”
See what arises and act upon that revelation. Your ego may resist or fight but stay focused on that deep knowing.
Creating Boundaries
Another way to maintain peace in a more proactive way is through boundary creation. Boundaries can act as loving barriers to stop you from losing your sense of responsibility. Or your sense of self. In Happiness is the Way* Dr. Wayne Dyer says:
“you need to draw boundaries with other people, including the ones who love you the most, such as your partner, your children, your other family members, your friends, and so on. You must let them know you have to be your own person, and when they want you to be something you can’t be—because it conflicts with where you are on your path of enlightenment—you’ll have to say no.”
This concept was tough for me to practice. I used to feel responsible for the behaviors and emotions of others. Attaching guilt and obligation to my actions rather than acting from the heart. I felt guilty when I wanted something different than my parents. Or obligated to say yes to everything a friend asked.
Anna Puchalski explains boundaries perfectly:
"When I began realizing the difference between owning others’ problems and giving them support, I started creating my own positive space. This has a lot to do with boundaries, where someone else ends and where you begin. I realized I don’t need to take responsibility for other people. If someone hasn’t called me back after three tries of calling them, it’s not my fault or responsibility to get them to call me. If there is a pause in conversation, it’s not my job to fill it. It is possible to accept the way others are and arrange the pieces that are given, not try to make up for them."
Those in your life are 100% responsible for their actions and reactions. You don’t have to make up for what they lack. You don’t have to fill any of their voids. Learn to accept others as they are and support them where needed. Focus on finding joy in your every day. That’s something you can control.
Affirmation
I choose forgiveness and release emotions that don’t serve my highest good. I choose to create stories that support and inspire unlimited freedom.
Do This Today
Take note of when you feel triggered. Write down the trigger in your phone notes then walk yourself through the three steps:
1. What am I taking personally?
2. Am I blaming someone or something for how I’m feeling?
3. What story have I created?
Writing Prompt
At the top of a paper write, “Is there anyone I need to forgive? If so, what can I do to resolve this difficulty?”
Resources
Book: Forgive For Good* by Dr. Fred Luskin
Book: Happiness is the Way* by Dr. Wayne Dyer
Article: Get This Right And You’ll Have More Happiness
*This is an affiliate link. Purchasing through affiliate links helps fund The Good Space at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting us!
