Why Perfectionism is Toxic and How to Deal With It
Did you know there are two different kinds of perfectionism? One is called positive oriented perfectionism and the other is toxic perfectionism. Most of us struggle with the latter. Perfectionism is a true obstacle. One you may not even realize affects you as much as it does. My hope is that by putting perfectionism out in the open you’ll be able to label it in your life. Then feel inspired to put into practice a progress mindset instead.
Perfectionism at its Finest
When I think of perfectionism I think of negative self talk, feeling scared to get outside your comfort zone, believing you have to do all the courses and research before you’re worthy to create something, getting angry when things don’t go as planned, and the list goes on. I’m sure you can think of a few more things. What every one of those have in common is that they are ways of saying “I’m not enough”. They close off the hope of potential and possibility.
As a kid, I didn’t care if my crayon drawings looked like art. Literally. In the summer when I was at daycare while my parents worked, I would walk around selling stick figure crayon pictures for 25 cents each so I could save money to perform at a local venue. I didn’t care if I fumbled my words or was different from someone else. There was no thought outside of wanting to follow the desire in my heart.
Yet, somewhere along the way I started feeling like who I was wasn’t enough. That to create and put things out there it had to make sense, have a degree behind it, or look as good as something else already out there.
This idea of perfection puts you into survival mode which literally turns on your body’s fight or flight switch. When you’re in survival mode blood rushes to the extremities and you literally lose certain functions in your brain. One of them being creativity. You also can feel dizzy, have short term memory loss, and other issues. Your body doesn’t know the difference between a perceived threat or a real one. When I started following the not so holy teachings of perfectionism I cut off my creativity. My love for life.
Positive Oriented Perfectionism
First, let’s get a clear picture of why some perfectionism is healthy. Christopher Bergland in Psychology Today says, “having some degree of adaptive perfectionism is healthy if it motivates you to aim high and make a concerted effort to do your best when facing any given challenge. The process of pouring your heart into accomplishing something that pushes against your limits and is both challenging and rewarding feels good.”
Positive oriented (AKA healthy) perfectionism motivates us to aim high and challenge our limits. Going back to my examples, the little kid version of me saw the challenge of finding a way to perform at a local venue. She had to get resourceful to make it happen. There were zero drawing skills to be had but did the best she could and practiced her social skills by trying to sell them. Why I chose drawing I’ll never know but apparently anything can happen. I think I made like $12 bucks by the end of it. The challenge felt so rewarding. Otherwise it wouldn’t have stayed in my memory like it did.
Toxic Perfectionism
Now let’s see where things can take a more toxic turn. Psychology Today says, “perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressures, such as the desire to avoid failure or harsh judgment...What makes extreme perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, resulting in a negative orientation. They don’t believe in unconditional love, expecting others’ affection and approval to be dependent on a flawless performance.”
Ah ha. I can think of many times in my life where my focus was on not messing up. It caused a lot of stress. In my corporate days I remember working much slower than my colleagues. The idea of messing up paralyzed me so I was extra careful and thorough. After a while I thought something was wrong with me. Literally preparing this episode the lightbulb went off. It was perfectionism this whole time and I didn’t know.
Now, toxic perfectionism tries to show up when it comes to writing or creating a digital product. Thoughts come to mind like “You’re not good enough. You haven’t learned enough. You’ll never be enough.”
That’s the internal problem of perfectionism. Feeling you’re not enough. Not capable. That internal struggle manifests externally, too. For me, I clean the house or watch TV instead of writing. Or go on Asana and see how many tasks I can complete. I gravitate towards urgent tasks to avoid the important work. Yours may look different. Either way that’s perfectionism’s work. It stops you from moving forward and keeps you stuck and afraid.
Signs of a Perfectionist
Here are some signs that someone is a perfectionist from Psychology Today and Good Therapy:
Perfectionists set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and others.
They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes.
They tend to procrastinate a project out of their fear of failure.
Take an excessive amount of time to complete a task that does not typically take others long to complete.
They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success.
They look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.
View the end product as the most important part of any undertaking. As a result, they may focus less on the process of learning or completing a task to the best of their ability.
Difficulty being happy for others who are successful.
Holding oneself to the standards of others' accomplishments or comparing oneself unfavorably and unrealistically to others.
Frequent fear of disapproval from others or feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
Did you see yourself or someone you love? The good news is once you become aware of perfectionism, what it is, and how it shows up in your life (eh hem hand raised over here) you can start asking your soul to reveal to you how to move forward. Let’s talk about moving away from perfectionism in favor of embracing a progress mindset.
Progress Over Perfectionism
With perfectionism you delay moving a project forward or releasing something you created because you feel you’ll never be enough. It’s a mechanism the ego uses to keep you inside of what’s familiar. Safe.
Progress however leaves room for growth and creativity. For possibility and potential. Even just hearing that word versus perfectionism I feel a weight lift from my shoulders. When you allow progress to be your guiding light, your standard becomes doing your best and learning in the process.
There’s also a healthy dose of curiosity that unlocks. Which is a good sign because it means you feel safe enough within yourself to explore. Curiosity allows less obvious possibilities to reveal themselves.
Practice a Progress Mindset
So what does this look like in practical terms? When you want to be progress-minded it means instead of resisting sitting down to work (like I’ve done tons of times) you think “I’m curious what will happen if I sit down and open my laptop.” You then take the next small step and see what happens rather than putting the pressure on some big outcome.
I’ve practiced this lately with copywriting client work and writing content for my writer’s group. I would sit down at my desk feeling the anxiety and blanket of fog in my brain. Scared that what I’d create would suck big time. And then I’d be fired. And then found out as a fraud and so on. There’s a hint of imposter syndrome in there.
So I’d ask myself “What’s the easiest, least pressure way to start creating?” So instead of trying to write copy by also designing the website (creating a visual mockup of a site is called wireframing) I decided to just write words on a blank Google Doc and see what came out. Not only did I finish quicker than usual but the relief was amazing. I’m learning that the first thing you put on paper isn’t close to final. So stop judging it as if it were! Give yourself permission to start with the goal of doing your best.
Start practicing an attitude of progress for yourself this week. Anytime you feel pressure on a project, thinking you can’t mess up or you need to win approval, remind yourself “everything in life is an opportunity to practice.” When you feel anxious or stuck, make it your immediate priority to feel good. Take a break, listen to vibration healing music, or read a list of affirmations. You can also pause and repeat over and over ‘I’m here’ which helps you re-center.
GOATS Aren’t Perfect Either
Progress also means putting something out there even when it’s not perfect. You stick to a deadline and, no matter what, release your work. You know that the higher aspiration of being a professional and letting your art touch other people is more important than perfection.
Listen, over the last few months I’ve watched documentaries on people who are the greatest of all time in their industries. GOATS. And aside from being ultra inspired by their passion, drive, and talent I realized they still weren’t perfect.
They didn’t become who they were through perfection. Michael Jordan won a lot of championships, but he lost some too. Ayrton Senna, the world’s greatest formula one driver, won championships despite industry politics and a bitter rival, but he lost many races.
Each time either Jordan or Senna lost they used that as an opportunity to do better next time. Each performance of theirs was progress not failure. Their experience grew the more they put themselves out there.
Every experience and moment we live is an opportunity to evolve higher. Maybe you’re not racing a car at hundreds of miles per hour but when you put yourself out there you gain more experience and progress along your unique path. I vote to remove failure from our vocabulary unless it involves some mechanical issue like a plane or car. We must begin changing the way we frame moments in our lives.
See every experience as a learning moment. The idea of progress is to keep going. Keep creating. Rarely ever is it a big grand gesture of change.
Affirmation
I am ready to do my best when facing any challenge. I pour my heart into everything I do and see every moment as an opportunity to learn.
Do This Today
Think of a situation that’s bothering you and ask yourself “Did I do my best?” If yes, smile and do something nice for yourself. If no, smile and know that you have an opportunity to change that and learn from this experience. That you have a choice. Then go do something nice for yourself.
Writing Prompt
In what ways do I allow perfectionism to steal the joy and grace I could be giving myself?
Resources
Join Creative Connection Writing Group.
Free morning routine guide: download it here.
Join our private Facebook group here.
*This is an affiliate link. Purchasing through affiliate links helps fund The Good Space at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting us!
