Give Yourself Permission to Evolve with Paul Fishman
Our special guest this week, Paul Fishman, is the Host of the top 100 podcast, The Road to Self Love, and Creator of The Self Love Diet … and has recently expanded into relationship content on TikTok and creative consulting. His mission is simple: to empower and inspire a sense of belonging in each of us.
Who is Paul Fishman?
Paul Fishman is the Host of the top 100 podcast, The Road to Self Love, and Creator of The Self Love Diet, a six month transformative program that teaches you how to say yes to yourself, ditch the people pleasing, and live the life you've always wanted. His mission is simple: to empower and inspire a sense of belonging and each of us.
Paul has been lauded for creating brave space building a fiercely dedicated community and helping thousands of humans love themselves unconditionally. And if you check out his Instagram (@paulfishman), you’ll experience his hopeful, positive and real energy – and you can draw so much love from his page.
“For the first 25 years of my life, I was not very vulnerable, I wasn't my authentic self, I didn't really share anything that I truly wanted to share about myself. So I feel like after that dark period of my life where I was literally just living my life, trying to achieve the expectations that I thought other people had for me. Because of that journey through that darkness, which in retrospect, it was very, very dark because I wasn't being authentically me, I realized I just couldn't live like that anymore. It's really important to humanize oneself, especially if you're putting yourself out there as a leader in a space. I'm just grateful that people are willing to hear my story. And I just love teaching and inspiring through story.”
Give Yourself Permission to Evolve
At the “real core of [his] journey,” Paul “hit rock bottom” while living in New York City in his early twenties. He was in a self-soothing and sabotaging cycle of emotionally eating, working in an uninspiring job at a company that didn’t make him feel valued, in an emotionally abusive, co-dependent relationship, and wasn’t aligned with his truth as a gay man. One morning, he fell to the floor crying because he didn’t know who he was – or why he was so unhappy.
In that moment, Paul decided he was going to search for what made him happy. He left his relationship, breaking free from its emotional abuse, “came out rainbow flag blazing,” took in NYC for everything it had to offer, and moved in with a community of people that only asked him to be himself.
Paul had never experienced that before.
“If you're listening to [or reading] this, you can relate to the story know that: a) You're not alone, and b) It's okay.
It's not wrong to not know who you are a lot of us are. A lot of us are conditioned to believe that success and having a family, the corporate career or even now there's all this noise about being an entrepreneur and working for yourself. Like, if you aren't fitting into this box of what society tells you is happiness. That's okay. You matter most. And there's nothing wrong with you figuring things out. I think a big thing that we also need to give ourselves permission for is evolution. Give yourself permission to evolve. Give yourself permission to change.”
“Ultimately, I learned that other people's opinions of you or other people's expectations of you are the worst reason to make a decision.”
What is Self Love?
“If you're operating from a place of self love, you're operating from a place of the devotion to your individuality, what makes you special, what makes you the only you that you are on this entire planet, you are given specific gifts, you are given a specific path. And for you to not follow those things, is a complete disregard to the love that you are worthy of having for yourself.”
Paul’s personal definition of self love, “devotion to your individuality" comes directly from the dictionary definitions of, “self” meaning “the individual” and “love” meaning “devotion.”
For those who think self love is selfish, Paul is here to tell you self love is selfless:
“Self-love is the most selfless thing you can do. Because if you love yourself enough to actually honor the gifts that you are given, actually show up the way that you are supposed to, and meant to show up in this world, you will then be able to help more people, you will then be able to guide more people, you will then be able to show up and empower and inspire more people to be their authentic selves as well. And really receive the beautiful gifts that you have.”
Self Love vs. Self Care
Self love is a mental and emotional act, something you do on the inside, while self care is a physical act, something you do for your body and your mental health (i.e. going to the gym, getting your nails done, getting a massage, journaling, taking care of yourself via meditation, etc.). Especially since self care has been glamorized by society and the media, often we can feel guilty or negative emotions from practicing self care.
For example, feeling guilty about the cost of having your hair done, focusing on the emails you’re missing while getting a massage, feeling bad about leaving your partner with the kids when you go to the gym… these can all negate your self care activities.
“Self care without self love is self destructive.”
The simple solution: infuse gratitude into self care. Feel grateful that you’re able to buy that face serum. Feel grateful that you have a job you can step away from emails while you get a massage. Feel grateful you have a partner who’s willing to watch the kids while you go to the gym.
If you experience negative emotions or feelings while practicing self care, Paul recommends trying one of these mantras three times: “I’m so grateful.” or “I am safe to take care of myself.”
“I want you to be gentle. If you're hearing this, and a light bulb went off and you're like, I have been treating myself so poorly. And I've been practicing self care wrong. Take a deep breath. Be gentle with yourself, you are today years old when you learned this, and give yourself permission to shift it slowly. Don't make yourself wrong, you didn't know any better. It's not all your fault, however, is your fault. If you hear this, it resonates with you. And then you just continue living your life the same way, then you can't use this excuse any longer. You can't blame anyone but you.”
Reframing Boundaries
“Boundaries need to be continuously communicated and gently placed in to a relationship to actually be withheld.”
Instead of thinking about a boundary as a fence or something you put up around yourself, Paul suggests thinking of “a boundary as a standard, a standard in your life that you are upholding.” The idea of the standard brings ownership back to you. Instead of pointing that finger at everyone else, turn it back on yourself and ask what you can do differently.
If you’re feeling anxious or worried about setting new standards (or boundaries) in relationships, Paul recommends to “get our your journal* and write out the worst thing that could happen. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I sit down and set the standard with this person? Then ask yourself will this actually happen? If it’s a yes, then you have the opportunity to prepare yourself a little bit more for the situation. But if it’s a no, then you can move into it with a little bit of peace.”
Currently Reading
Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power by Carolyn Elliott*
Affirmation
I create space mentally and emotionally for unconditional self love to be my guiding light.
Writing Prompt
In what small ways can I love myself more? Are there any boundaries I feel drawn to create? Or traumas to heal?
Resources
Visit Paul Fishman’s website: https://paulfishman.love/.
Apply for Paul’s six-month flagship program, The Self Love Diet.
Follow Paul on Instagram (@paulfishman) and TikTok (@paul.fishman).
*This is an affiliate link. Purchasing through affiliate links helps fund The Good Space at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting us!
